The key to a heartfelt apology? Skip the ‘buts’ and don’t make it about you

The key to a heartfelt apology? Skip the ‘buts’ and don’t make it about you

Imagine a buzzer going off in your head the moment you say, “I’m sorry, but….”

That ‘but’ negates the apology. It shuts down foreseeable chances of reconciliation. It’s not an apology, then. It becomes a feeble excuse for an apology, as Kirin Hilliar, assistant professor of psychology at Heriot-Watt University Dubai, says. When someone feels hurt, betrayed and disappointed by your actions, telling them they’re wrong in feeling that way, making excuses, or believing that just a half-hearted sorry will cut it, drives a further wedge between people, explains Hilliar. The other person really needs to see that you’re remorseful about your actions or words, otherwise, the apology means nothing, says Hilliar.

You’ve got to mean your apology. Image Credit: Shutterstock

“You’ve got to mean it,” says Aida Suhaimi, a psychologist from the Dubai-based Medcare Camali Clinic. You need to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and think, what if this happened to me? How would I feel? “Only then, can you understand the impact on the other person,” she says.

A weak, badly done apology can really leave a mark on a relationship. Aditi Sehgal, a Dubai-based expat recalls someone breaking her favourite coffee mug in office and then